Eurovision is something I became vaguely aware of last year when I first met the boy. Since most of my readers, at least as far as I'm aware, aren't familiar with the great phenomenon that simultaneously causes each participating nation both great pride and great humiliation, you can read a more objective description of the contest here. Or you can just read my impression of it.
Imagine if American Idol (or X Factor, if that's your thing) were bigger, brighter, involved the stage being set on fire, and lasted only a couple of weeks, and each contestant represents a different country. In some ways, we might expect it to involve higher quality music and artists since the songs are original... but then we should remember that they're being written for a televised contest that celebrates the cheesiest, most accessible, pop-radio readiest music ever.
Europeans all know, and I've learned, that the biggest joke of Eurovision is that the musical acts are usually chosen more for their appearances than their talent. As is to be expected, this results in the whole thing looking and sounding like bad wedding karaoke. The women are all hot, and most of them can't sing at all. The men all fall into very specific "types," all of which are Hollywood-approved; even the pudgy guys have a Seth Rogen appeal. Women get to dance while men get to play instruments. And everyone sounds like either Celine Dion or a Backstreet Boy.
Today was only the first semi-final, but I'm blogging it because, since I'm actually in the US visiting right now, there's no guarantee I'll see the rest of it. This may be the first of only two or three Eurovision 2011 posts, or it may be the only one. Either way, it's going to be a horrible journey.
Because I love you all, and because so much of Eurovision's horror lies in its visuals, I took screencaps of the event. However, I was watching the livestream of it online, and my connection sucked, so the caps are extremely low quality. Count that as a blessing. (EDIT! To make up for the crappy stills, I've waited until the videos of each performance went up on YouTube so I could link them. Now you may share in my pain.)
Clickety click for shiny sequinned horrors.
(A quick note: This portion will was written in present tense because I was taking notes live.)
Eurovision 2011 begins! I know nothing about the hosts, nor do I care. Maybe it's because I'm American and don't recognize them. Oh well. (No image of the hosts, sorry. I didn't realize I should be screencapping this until the second performance was underway.) They're telling jokes and I still don't care. Oh wait! Ten minutes in and we get a sexist joke from the 1950s! Is it really so easy a woman can do it? Apparently so! STFU, asshole.
POLAND is up first.The woman isn't singing in English, and apparently that's a big no-no at Eurovision. I find that rule kind of ridiculous, and not just because of its imperialistic implications. Does everyone remember "Ken Lee"? That's what happens all too often when people sing in languages they don't really speak. Or, if you want an American example, who could forget the year when the Oscars decided to have Beyonce sing the nominated song for a French movie? I was actually participating in an online discussion of the Oscars that night, and people from France were even chiming in to say they had no idea what the hell Beyonce was saying. Apparently, however, Eurovision thrives on that kind of awkwardness. Acts who don't sing in English are expected to lose automatically.
I don't love it but I don't hate it either, and the worst wins at Eurovision. Bye-bye, Poland.
Entracte: I don't know if this is happening in Europe, but watching the live feed in the US, there's a cheesy inspiraional commercial between each act. They're not in English, though, so I'm not sure what I should be feeling inspired about. Oh well, fields and lighthouses and shit.
Now it's time for NORWAY!
Oh wow. this is awkward. This is like really bad, really drunk karaoake. The chorus isn't so bad, though, so I'm thinking maybe the singer just doesn't know English. Her hair, however, is beautiful. Rock those curls.
Entracte: There's a heartbeat sound effect between each act. It's kind of funny. I feel like I'm in a horror movie. Maybe I am. Maybe we all are.
ALBANIA takes the stage.
...and apparently Albania decided to send the bastard lovechild of Annie Lennox and Fergie. Fergie Lennox is doing a kind of rock-ish song, which is a nice change, but like all the others, she has gratuitous bodies on stage to make up for her deviation from the status quo. At one point the stage seems to catch fire, but even with all those extra people present, everyone surivives.
I don't hate the song. However, the livefeed has a live twitter feed going on beside the video, and it seems like all of Europe hates it. I guess I'm... not European?
ARMENIA's up. And I kind of want to kill myself already. Really, Armenia? Really? I know that the big joke of the contest is that the women are all picked for looks, but surely there's a hot girl in Armenia who sounds more like a human being than this one. I actually think she may not be human, as there seems to be some kind of strange cybernetic component on her stomach.
The lyrics are even worse than the woman's voice. "Your kiss is like a boom boom chaka chaka"? Is that a medical problem? Either way, Miss Armenia, my kiss is certainly not like a boom boom chaka chaka, and I resent your assertion that it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, TURKEY may just save us all.
Oh god, look at them. Seriously, look at them. I hope they make it through to the finals because... just look at them...
This is absolutely ridiculous and I love it. They're doing a rock song, but it sounds like it's out of the 1980s. I feel like I'm watching the Scorpions or something. They even have a sexy woman in a cage!
These guys' English actually sounds much better than the previous acts'. I can actually understand most of what they're saying. However, just like all the other songs, the lyrics are pretty bad. For some reason each line ends with "my friend," and the chorus offers us wonderful advice: "Give yourself a break, I'm gonna live it up." Good for you, Turkey. At the end of their act, the woman in the cage is liberated. Aww. Maybe they're trying to make up for the unfunny, unoriginal misogynistic remark at the beginning of the show.
Entracte: SWEET JESUS I JUST SAW JEDWARD. Oh god. Shudder. Shudder. Cold. So cold. Can't feel... fingers... dying... For my American friends and readers, this is Jedward:
Some twin acts are cool. Tegan and Sara, for example, make up one of the most talented and hottest female acts out there. But Jedward isn't like that. Jedward is a horrifying phenomenon that must remain in Europe, where it can be contained. Europeans are innoculated against Jedward; they know how to treat it when it infect their people. I believe, however, that the horrible power of their hairgel could end America quicker than the Tea Party.
Jedward offscreen now. Thank God. That was a close one. All my limbs are still present.
SERBIA arrives to save us from Jedward.
The girl's cute and all. I like the 60s-70s mod feel. But just when I think this one might be tolerable, there's a key change to remind us that the girl was probably chosen for her looks.
RUSSIA shows up to destroy the cuteness. Damn, the New Kids on the Block have gotten old. Russian guy prefaces his song by demanding, "Doyouwannafeelmyheartbeat, Eurooooooope?" Does anyone really want to feel this guy's heartbeat?
Russia's song is just as creepy as its NKOB look. And awkward. "You look so good on the phone"... yeah, I do, don't I? *dials 911 (999 for you Brits)* The chorus warns us "I'm coming to get you, I'm running, I'm gunning for you," and by this point, we're already hoping the cops are on their way.
SWITZERLAND brings us a song that would be quite successful in the US, I think. They've brought stringed instruments and a girl with a competent pop-folk voice. Oddly, she doesn't look like a drag queen.
The song has a kind of Feist / Sarah Bareilles / A Fine Frenzy feel, and I like that. I'd listen to it. And it's hard not to like it when the LED screens explode with flowers and rainbows. We've been tortured by Russia, only to be rescued by Switzerland.
Not to be outdone on the "not horrible" front, GEORGIA takes the stage. Yet another 80s-inspired rock song, but this one has a female lead. I dig it. I was chatting online with the boy throughout this part and he seemed rather impressed by Georgia, so I suspect he thinks the girl is hot. She is. However, I only like parts of the song. The girl sounds great, but Rapping Guy and Metal Guy sound awkward, and it suddenly seems like the band can't decide if it wants to be Evanescene, Paramore, or Linkin Park. Another lyrical oddity occurs when it sounds as if Georgia sings that she is "leaving one more day on my plate." (NOTE: Unfortunately, my connection really crapped out here, so I don't have a single semi-decent screencap of Georgia's performance. I advise watching the video, as I think you can all survive it.)
Ah, but lest we get complacent and enjoy ourselves a little, here comes FINLAND to fuck everything up. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting this douchey-looking fellow who calls himself Paradise Oskar:
I'm already a little afraid of Paradise Oskar, as during the entracte, he favored the camera with a smile that said, "I want to kill you, tear out your intestines, and eat them with a warm glass of milk and some cheerful cookies." His voice isn't bad, but his song takes an annoying turn very quickly, relating the story of "young Peter" who "went out to save our planet." It's not the environmentalist message that makes his song horrible, but rather its actual lyrics, which place the speaker as the lone disciple of "young Peter," to whom the world simply will not listen. Furthermore, "save the planet" isn't really a powerful way to discuss saving the planet. Go figure. The song is both saccharine and arrogant, and the Twitter feed quickly goes insane with hatred for Paradise Oskar's smug mug.
He knows he has annoyed us, though. He knows, and he wants us to know that he knows. He wants us to know, furthermore, that he's got a knife. As his song ends, we get this:
The face of a killer.
MALTA has also kidnapped a New Kid on the Block, and he gets some goth pinup girls to help him out.
The song is unremarkable, but someone in the audience is swinging a novelty hammer. A hammer. Malta is apparently hardcore.
SAN MARINO presents a woman who rather successfully pulls of the diva style. Her song isn't very good, but her hair and dress are fabulous. Pictured below: the hair. My connection crapped out again so I wasn' able to screencap her gorgeous dress, so I strongly suggest watching a few second of the video to see it.
Some Eurovision women rock the cute style, some try the diva, and some go for fun. CROATIA isn't content to just try for one, so their singer undergoes three costume changes throughout her song.
When the song started, I thought it was going to be a cover of Rebecca Black's "Friday" and I got excited. Her voice is awkward, and so are the lyrics. We're told repeatedly to "celebrate," but I'm not sure what we're supposed to be celebrating. The dancer's hat? The song sounds a good deal like that Katy Perry number about being a firework and showin' them whaaaatt you're worrrth, and makin' 'em go oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, but unlike Katy Perry, the singer doesn't shoot fireworks from her cleavage as she sings.
Entr'acte: The singer from Norway talks to one of the hosts. Apparently she does speak English, which makes her awkward English in her song even more awkward. The host mentions that she got to sing for Nelson Mandela and asked about the experience, to which Norway responds, here transcribed as she said it, "nelsonwasgreat, EUROVISION IS CRAZY!!11!" Good to know you've got priorities.
Another diva comes out for HUNGARY. Looking like the bastard lovechild of Celine Dion and Faith Hill, she sings like the bastard lovechild of Celine Dion and Faith Hill.
The song is called "What About My Dreams?" and while the title made me gag a little, I could see it becoming a club hit. If, you know, it were sung by a more competent singer.
The most awkward performance of the night so far is easily PORTUGAL. But it's hilarious. What the hell is Portugal doing? Does it even matter? This is the best. I love it. Some countries send out bad acts as a "piss-take", as the Brits would say, and I think it's safe to say that Portugal is really taking the piss here. (I strongly advise watching the video.)
Portugal begins by shouting what sounded like to me, "Hello Europe, this song is dedicated to anyone who wants a Dr. Pepper" or something like that. I don't know what the hell Portugal is doing, but they sound like kids singing on a school bus during a field trip. And they look like the Village People Part Deux, featuring:
Portuguese Nick Cave!
A janitor!
A severely constipated pinup girl!
And a kindergarten teacher and a hunter!
I'm confused, but at least I'm laughing. I hope Portugal wins just for this bullshit. This is horrible and Portugal should be very, very proud of it.
(EDIT: After talking to some European folks online about the contest, I've learned that Portugal's act was actually a protest piece. Some viewers found it unsuccessful because of its wacky presentation. I feel kind of bad for making fun of it now, but as this blog is supposed to relate my experiences as an American transplanted into Europe, I'm leaving this post as-is because, being an American and thus having heard nothing of Portugal's economic struggle before, that was my honest reaction to it.)
Okay, calm down. Portugal's leaving. It's serious song time now. LITHUANIA sends out the third diva of the evening. Her dress and cleavage are epic.
At one point she says something like "My dreams will come true as I sing to you," and I'm left wondering what kind of dream could possibly come true during a two minute song. She does a little sign language and I rather liked that. Nice touch. Ultimately, though, the performance is visually pleasing but lacking any interesting music. I've already forgotten how the song went.
Next up is AZERBAIJAN. The performance begins rather prettily, with a couple of girls standing behind the singer and doing pretty things with their arms:
More prettiness occurred near the end, when falling gold stuff happened:
I gotta admit: I find the song rather pretty. I kinda like it. But the guy sounds crappy, and the song's prettiness doesn't stop me from wondering about the lyrics. The following are my guesses as to what they're saying at the chorus:
1) "I'm running upstairs tonight."
2) "I'm running, I'm scared of life."
3) "I'm running, I'm scared of breathing."
Two of those three are actually correct.
Finally, GREECE ends the first semi-final with the WORST SONG OF THE NIGHT.
Part rap, part metal, and part folk something or other, this song is so horrendous that the Twitter feed immediately goes insane over it. The guy sounds like he's doing a bad impression of Christian Bale's Bat-voice, and the strange breakdancing around him makes me feel like I'm watching a really awkward high school talent show. The music itself sounds like a funeral dirge. I feel like I'm watching the fall of Greece right now. I think I hear two lyrics that seem to refer to the speaker's impending death: "Watch my brains and I'll die" and "If I can fly, can I check out each time?" I'm watching his brains but he still isn't dying, and I'm left wishing he would just check the hell out already.
And with that, it's over. Thank God, it's finally over. I feel like I need to go vomit now. I feel like I need a blanket and a safe, warm, happy place to hide.
EDIT: At some point I must have deleted ICELAND. They weren't too shabby, really. Here's their performance, and here are some stills of them:
That's a wrap on the first semi-final. As I'll still be in the US for the second semi-final and the finals, I've no idea if I'll be able to witness their horrors or not. I'm almost hoping not, but I hear the UK's act for this year is particularly lackluster, and the British tradition of self-sabotage is becoming one of my favorite aspects of their culture.
I hope you can all still sleep well tonight after being exposed to Eurovision. I hope you are safe and warm and content. I hope you have good dreams. But most of all, I hope that when you hear a bump in the night, it's just the floorboards settling, or a neighbor closing a door...
... and not Paradise Oskar.
UPDATE: I was unable to watch the second semi-final due to a crappy internet connection, but I did actually watch the finals. I couldn't be bothered to blog it, though. I've been quite busy lately. Azerbaijan won.
Awesome write up =)
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