2013's theme was "We Are One" or something. I had a bad cold, so I wasn't really paying attention to the pre-show crap. I suspect the purpose of the theme was to try to convince Europe not to get all huffy about the politics of voting, since there was some controversy surrounding that this year.
Yes, Eurovision, we are one, united in a shimmery display of sequins and mediocrity.
First up was Amandine Bourgeois for France, getting us started with a song that was...
... not awful?
I was surprised. Maybe I'm jaded by my own expectations of crap at Eurovision, but I thought this song was actually good. Amandine's blues rock-influenced style was unexpected, and check out her little rock dancing at the end. This song seems like it would actually be listenable outside the context of Eurovision. That and the fact that it went first out of twenty-six acts basically ensured it wouldn't do very well.
The more I listen to it, though, the more I like it. Luckily, the musical quality of the night would eventually plummet.
Second of twenty-six was Lithuania's Andrius Pojavis with "Something," a song whose title instantly called to mind George Harrison's song, which I maintain is one of the best love songs ever written. Unfortunately, this song came nowhere close to Harrison's beauty.
This song has an immediately interesting start, but quickly displays some of my favorite traditional aspects of a Eurovision song: a canned guitar, a mediocre singer, awkward pronunciation, and some really awkward English lyrics. I remember how in 2011 I made a joke about what I thought the winning entry from Azerbaijan was saying, and I looked up the lyrics only to find that I was actually right about some of them. So here's what I think Andrius is saying:
"If you don't know, I'm in love with you
When some of them falls, it becomes untrue
Because of my shoes I'm wearing today
One is called love, the other is Spain."
And let's see how close I was.... damn. Almost 100% correct. Yes, here at Eurovision, a random reference to naming one's shoes and how that has an effect on love makes perfect sense. God, I love this thing.
The best part of his performance, however, occurs at 1:36 thanks to bad vocal work, bad camera work, and bad editing.
Moving on to #3 of 26.
No, that's not Jewel's "Foolish Games," but Moldova's Aliona Moon with "O Mie." Note the male dancers who have nothing to do with the song at all. It took us three songs to get to the gratuitous dancers, but we got there.
This song reminds me of James Bond for some reason. If you give it a shot, it gets really interesting toward the end. But with that tempo, even great hair, an awesome costume effect, a rising platform, fake fire and lightning couldn't save this one from being forgotten.
Despite being the first catchy tune, #4 (of 26, oh my God) was perhaps the most awkward attempt at getting votes of the night, and for a number of reasons. Finland's Krista Siegfrids reportedly wrote the song herself as a hint to her boyfriend to propose. The song is called "Marry Me," so apparently, subtlety is not Krista's thing. But that was only the beginning of the awkwardness.
While awkward lyrics are tradition at Eurovions, some eyebrows were raised by "Marry Me's" characterization of marriage as a master/slave relationship, "a walk of shame" meant to produce "cute babies." The choice of "oh oh a ding dong" as filler is funny, but perhaps overshadowed by the awkwardness of the singer's admission that this is directed at her boyfriend. Krista pulls a Katy Perry at the end, engaging in a lesbian kiss that looks a little too porno-awkward, after which she yells "Ding dong!" The kiss might have been cool if it wasn't so obvious about its vote pandering. While some were offended by the same-sex kiss (Turkey, not participating this year, reportedly refused to air the contest because of it), others seemed put off by the hetero gaze objectification of lesbianism, and to much surprise, the song bombed horribly at voting.
It did, however, result in this line from commentator Graham Norton in place of his usual warning about flashing lights: "If the sight of two girls kissing offends you, you need to grow up."
On to #5 of 26, Spain's EDSM singing "Contigo hasta el final."
Since Spain is broke and in the grips of major economic turmoil, it seemed only appropriate that they sent a woman who can't sing. Is her voice actually bad, or is her earpiece screwed up so that she can't hear the music? Is she just too nervous? Was she told to flub it so Spain won't have to host next year? Given that she's beautiful and wearing a showy dress and it's Eurovision, it seems most likely that she was sent as the token Hot Girl Who Can't Sing. The song's title, for those who don't know, translates as "With you til the end," and luckily for our ears, the end comes pretty soon.
That dress is lovely, though, isn't it?
And if you watch the guitarists' hands, umm... looks like someone's not really playing.
#6 of 26 ended with tears. Belgium's Roberto Bellarosa is the youngest performer to compete at Eurovision at only eighteen. "Love Kills" gets off to an awkward start, but by the chorus Roberto's confidence seems to build and he's not so bad.
The chorus is catchy and the song seems at home in any contemporary dance-pop playlist. I don't hate it. I do hate the dancing, though. At one point, the girls look like they're smuggling canned ham between their thighs. It's impossible to judge this song too harshly when it's over, as Roberto's nerves get the better of him.
The piano at the beginning of Birgit of Estonia's "Et Uus Saaks Alguse" (7/26) distractingly reminds me of Coldplay's "Clocks."
The song is pretty enough, her voice is competent, the wind machine does pretty things to her dress, but it falls into the worst of all Eurovision pitfalls. It's kind of boring. On its own, it would be a pretty ballad, but this is Eurovision, and at Eurovision, you want either a ridiculously catchy, destined-for-success dance song or a song so ridiculous that no one can tune it out. Birgit's song is neither, and I forgot about it almost as soon as it was over.
Oh cha ha, it's time for Belarus and Alyona Lanskaya's "Solayoh" (8/26).
This song is basically an embodiment of Eurovision. We have unnecessary dancers, a disco ball, bad clubbing outfits, a voice of questionable quality, and really, really dumb lyrics. Here, we've managed to rhyme "ya" with "night," and the final lyric, "We can make it into cha cha" seems to conflate dancing with arts and crafts.
The beginning of Malta's entry, Gianluca's "Tomorrow," might make you wonder if you're about to hear a rip-off of Train's "Hey, Soul Sister." You sort of are, I guess. Maybe? I don't know.
The introduction to the song (not in the above video) and commentators overemphasized the fact that Gianluca is apparently a doctor. A very, very smiley doctor. He just looks so happy, doesn't he?
It's a cute song. The projection of the lyrics is unnecessary for once, since this is hardly the most awkward English of the night. But that being said, I'm not sure what to make of the song's point. Is it "time to follow her tomorrow" because tomorrow's the day Jeremy's going to find the courage to take a risk? Or because he's procrastinating? Gianluca's smile does not answer this question.
#10 of 26 was Russia's Dina Garipova with "What If," the first song of the night that, musically speaking, stood a chance to win.
The slow ballad builds into an anthem that reflects the competition's "We Are One" theme, perhaps a bit too shamelessly. It's a typical peace advocacy song, but its hook is catchy enough to make it noticeable, and the percussion and backup singing beginning the second verse gave this one a fair shot at the high votes.
I'll guiltily admit to liking this one. Dina's simple dress and makeup are unusual, and I like the lighting effect behind her. Her voice is strong for a Eurovision candidate, and there's something rather pretty and cute about the way her accent is so noticeable when she says "bury our guns" (it's like that on the album too). The song is catchy and positive. So while I quite enjoyed France's entry and also found Moldova likable, at this point in the competition, Russia was my favorite for the win.
#11 got a lot of jokes from commentators even pre-show. Representing Germany, Cascada's "Glorious" sounds uncannily like last year's winner, Loreen's "Euphoria." There was even a legal case prior to the competition to investigate possible plagiarism. Judging by internet comments, people get really damned upset if you say that "Glorious" sounds like "Euphoria," but it seriously does.
Everything about it seemed to beg to be mistaken for "Euphoria" -- not just the music and lyrics, but the staging as well. (For reference, here's a link to "Euphoria".) I was surprised by the weak singing since Cascada is a band that I'm guilty of listening to when I want to hear dance music and I don't recall the singer ever sounding this awkward. The curse of Eurovision strikes again. I kept waiting for her to trip over the train of that dress when she went downstage. At least Loreen was barefoot.
I was surprised by how few votes "Glorious" got. Unlike England, Germany's not one of the countries who never wins; they won just a couple of years ago. The song is typical Eurovision fare, but it seems like its lazy similarities to "Euphoria" didn't impress anyone.
#12 was one of my least favorite songs of the evening. Dorians' (Armenia) "Lonely Planet" tried for a political message, but not in a good Eurovision way (that will be Greece).
Remember a few years ago when Creed and Nickelback and other generic Vh1-friendly rock bands were popular? These guys would have fit right in with all that. Maybe Europeans don't see them the same way, but coming from an American context, these guys remind me way too much of that godawful period. Their environmentalist song suffers from a problem common to political pop songs -- it brings up a good point but in the safest, most boring way possible. To do a boring song at Eurovision of all places just further damns it.
It also suffers from unintentionally funny lyrics. Lonely Planet is the name of a popular series of guidebooks and travel resources, and come on -- "Lonely Planet, who has done it?" You can do better than that, Armenia.
Finally, I don't play guitar so I can't say for sure here without risking sounding like a douche, but I'm told more guitar fakery is evident if you watch their performance.
But at the halfway mark at #13, the Netherlands committed a worse sin with Anouk's "Birds." Graham Norton introduced the song by warning viewers who didn't like Lana del Rey that they won't like Anouk, and the comparison is certainly valid. I actually like Lana del Rey, but she's one of the last people I'd ever pick for Eurovision, as her usual style would ensure that the song lands firmly in the middle ground, the worst place for a Eurovision song to be.
At least Anouk doesn't look miserable as she sings, despite the song's depressing lyrics. It's Eurovision, damn it. Depression has no place here.
But not to worry. At #14, Romania brought the goods with classically trained operatic countertenor Cezar and "It's My Life." What? Yeah, I know. Lest anyone think I'm disparaging an entire vocal part, I need to preface this by saying that I actually listen to countertenors sometimes. I appreciate them a great deal. But an operatic countertenor at Eurovision? Surrounded by dancing nearly-naked men? That is what Eurovision is about. Eurovision is flamboyance at its best, and this song set the bar high. (No pun intended.)
Everything about this performance just made my night. The theatrical costume combined with Cezar deploying such a deep voice made him seem like a Disney villain, and I always appreciate that. If anything, the men in this year's Eurovision have been too butch fashion-wise, so it's about time we got a guy wearing an actual costume, looking he's on his way to a vampire ball. While the performance has some novelty song qualities, it didn't apologize for its sudden countertenor attack; the lyrics even warn you that it's about to happen. Garish costumes, cheesy dance music (surprise dubstep!), and male homoerotics are staples of Eurovision which have been sorely lacking this year. This song is just so dramatic and flamboyant that it's both ridiculous and awesome. Look at his face. It's like he's in a horrible play. Maybe he is. At a Eurovision that has been a bit lackluster so far, Cezar is the only actor who's bothered to read the script.
I don't know if Romania was being light-hearted or completely serious about this entry, or if Cezar was. I don't care. The moment I saw that costume, I wanted them to win.
After that eye-opening experience, England's own Bonnie Tyler didn't stand a chance. Wait, what? Bonnie Tyler, as in "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and "Holding Out for a Hero?" Bonnie Tyler, whose songs have been associated with melodrama and male homoeroticism for decades?
Yep. And she sucked.
Well, she didn't suck, actually. She had a crappy song to work with. "Believe in Me" is typical CMT fare, lyrically and musically. Combined with Bonnie's signature rasp, it sounds like a bad Stevie Nicks song (and I love me some Stevie, but come on, her easy listening stuff isn't the best of her career). For once, England picked someone I approve of, but then they had to go and ruin it by giving her the crappiest song they could find. Good job, England. You've crapped the bed again. Did you learn nothing from last year's Engelbert fiasco?
Readers, Bonnie Tyler, here robbed of a chance at glory by whoever picked this dumb song.
She should sue. Or better yet, if England insists on not following my advice and getting Sarah Brightman, she should do Eurovision against next year, but this time with a dance song that will allow her to show off her rasp.
At #16 of 26, Sweden reminded England what Eurovision is supposed to be with "You" by Robin Stjernberg. Musically speaking, at least. Vocally... not so much.
I've heard the album version of this and it was much better. Live, though, Robin didn't get the benefit of autotune to correct those note changes, so the chorus went all over the place.
Forget that, though. What the hell are those dancers wearing?
Hungary's ByeAlex proved that even Eurovision isn't safe from hipsters.
With touches of Boho chic and quiet, calm voices and quirky animation projected behind them, the band and their "Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)" seem right at home amongst the college indie circuit. Good for them, but not for Eurovision. In other words, I'm trying to dance here.
Then at #18, Denmark sent out Emmelie de Forest, and something happened.
Until this moment, I wanted Romania to win and figured Russia would, and I was cool with that. But once Emmelie reached the first chorus of "Only Teardrops", it was obvious that this song was going to take the whole competition. It's a catchy, dance-able song that still manages to be distinctive. The drumming added a cool element, and Emmelie's voice is, in my opinion, fantastic. There's also an interesting assertiveness to her tone that makes the song seem kind of fun despite its subject. I wasn't surprised to find out that this song had already been topped the charts and was one of the -- if not THE -- favorite to win amongst bookies.
Should I go ahead and spoil it for you? It won.
I'm going to admit that I've had it stuck in my head lately. I actually rooted for it to win if dear Romania couldn't, and I've even listened to Emmelie's album since then. You know what? It's good.
So with Denmark now clearly heading for the win, it was time to get boring again with #19, Iceland's Eythor Ingi with "Ég á líf."
Once again, I'm reminded of early 2000s longhaired "rockers" who actually did boring pop songs. This song's tone and lyrics make Eythor seem like one of those "Jesus is my girlfriend" Christian rock singers. The song's boring, and I'm having bad Creed flashbacks again. Next!
At #20 (praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, we're almost done!) was 2011's winning country, Azerbaijan, who sent Farid Mammadov to sing "Hold Me."
At #20 (praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, we're almost done!) was 2011's winning country, Azerbaijan, who sent Farid Mammadov to sing "Hold Me."
The first verse gets off to an awkward start with English lyrics that don't quite fit into the lines. Then it just becomes an early 2000s Backstreet Boys-sounding song, and I'm bored again. The only interesting part of it is the male dancer in the clear box who at first mirrors Farrid's movements -- which at one point requires him to do a painful-looking headstand. Wait, no, there are two interesting things. The female backup singer's dress has a huge train, so Azerbaijan gets a few brownie points from me just for that. The song sucks (and ick, that key change), but the guy in the box and train woman are kinda cool, I guess.
Every year someone has to do a political protest song that has no chance of winning, but really just expresses displeasure at the world through a kind of minstrelsy. This year, Greece did it, with Koza Mostra and Agathanos Iakovidis performing "Alcohol Is Free."
Every year someone has to do a political protest song that has no chance of winning, but really just expresses displeasure at the world through a kind of minstrelsy. This year, Greece did it, with Koza Mostra and Agathanos Iakovidis performing "Alcohol Is Free."
After the schlock we've been subjected to after Emmelie de Forrest, this is a lively and fun song. Its liveliness is cynical, however, as the song is a cheeky take on Greece's current poverty crisis and its terrible effects on the people there. Such topics really only belong at Eurovision when presented as cynical fun, and these guys have succeeded. It's a vote-worthy song that shouldn't actually be voted for, since Greece can in no way afford to stage next year's contest.
At #22, we have Ukraine's Zlata Ognevich with "Gravity", which may as well be a Disney song.
Disney could have made it more interesting, though. It's in dire need of a stronger chorus. The key change at around 2:17 is horrifying for a moment. She clearly can't move much in that dress, but her swaying is pretty enough. Still, it's a Disney song in the making. It just needs some singing crabs and such.
Moving on to #23, Italy sent Marco Mengoni with a song that people seemed to love for some reason.
Maybe it's because I was tired at this point, but "L'Essenziale" did nothing but bore me. The only thing that could have made it more boring is if Josh Groban had sung it. I suspect some semi-political reason for its good reception -- either the voting bloc did their thing, or someone had money on this song. However, to my half-deaf American I-don't-know-shit-about-Italian ears, one line of the chorus sounds like he's saying "where's your daddy?", which amuses me at least.
Norway's Margaret Berger (#24) had the last song of the night that stood any chance of winning. Despite its weird title, "I Feed You My Love" is a strong entry.
The chorus doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it has a kind of James Bond song feel (at least to me it does) and that makes it fun to listen to. I rather liked it. Denmark was still clearly going to win, but musically, this one could compete with them in a way that most of the others never could.
I haven't listened to Margaret's album, but I'm told by people who have that her Eurovision song is actually much stronger than her usual work, which is disappointing. I'll probably still give it a listen.
Before moving on, I do have to comment on her dress. For the most part, I liked it, but the sparkly panels on the torso and sides should have been wider. They look too dainty for that style. Then again, when it comes to things that sparkle, my motto is go big or go home.
#25 and we're almost there! Georgia sent a duo, Nodi Tatashvili and Sophie Gelovani with "Waterfalls."
I'm not sure what waterfalls really have to do with this song, but I think it would do well in the US. It's not an interesting ballad, but it's passable. In other words, it's not my cup of tea, but I think it's objectively likable. Nodi and Sophie certainly have more chemistry than Azerbaijan's winning 2011 duo, and they can sing far, far better. Funnily, this act did the same falling drops of light effect that Azerbaijan did then. It's better with this song.
(Obligatory dress note: I liked the top, kind of a wedding dress look, which suits the song, but that blue sash did not belong there.)
#26 and it is the last song of the night. Finally. Ireland, in a surprising move, did not creepy twin act Jedward again this year, opting instead for Ryan Dolan and "Only Love Survives."
This song closes the competition by bringing the gay back to Eurovision 2013. Shirtless drummers and dancers add homoeroticism that hasn't been seen this year since Cezar's dancers, and Ryan reminds us that that's one of the key elements of Eurovision by pointing at one of them while singing "be love!" I could see this as a good gay club song. Ain't gonna win, though.
So that's it. Three grueling hours of mostly mediocre pop. I have to agree with Graham Norton that this year's entries seemed to put more effort into it than usual, which meant that Eurovision 2013 was missing some of the horrible acts that make the competition so damn fun to watch.
See you next year, Eurovision fans!
At #22, we have Ukraine's Zlata Ognevich with "Gravity", which may as well be a Disney song.
Disney could have made it more interesting, though. It's in dire need of a stronger chorus. The key change at around 2:17 is horrifying for a moment. She clearly can't move much in that dress, but her swaying is pretty enough. Still, it's a Disney song in the making. It just needs some singing crabs and such.
Moving on to #23, Italy sent Marco Mengoni with a song that people seemed to love for some reason.
Maybe it's because I was tired at this point, but "L'Essenziale" did nothing but bore me. The only thing that could have made it more boring is if Josh Groban had sung it. I suspect some semi-political reason for its good reception -- either the voting bloc did their thing, or someone had money on this song. However, to my half-deaf American I-don't-know-shit-about-Italian ears, one line of the chorus sounds like he's saying "where's your daddy?", which amuses me at least.
Norway's Margaret Berger (#24) had the last song of the night that stood any chance of winning. Despite its weird title, "I Feed You My Love" is a strong entry.
The chorus doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it has a kind of James Bond song feel (at least to me it does) and that makes it fun to listen to. I rather liked it. Denmark was still clearly going to win, but musically, this one could compete with them in a way that most of the others never could.
I haven't listened to Margaret's album, but I'm told by people who have that her Eurovision song is actually much stronger than her usual work, which is disappointing. I'll probably still give it a listen.
Before moving on, I do have to comment on her dress. For the most part, I liked it, but the sparkly panels on the torso and sides should have been wider. They look too dainty for that style. Then again, when it comes to things that sparkle, my motto is go big or go home.
#25 and we're almost there! Georgia sent a duo, Nodi Tatashvili and Sophie Gelovani with "Waterfalls."
I'm not sure what waterfalls really have to do with this song, but I think it would do well in the US. It's not an interesting ballad, but it's passable. In other words, it's not my cup of tea, but I think it's objectively likable. Nodi and Sophie certainly have more chemistry than Azerbaijan's winning 2011 duo, and they can sing far, far better. Funnily, this act did the same falling drops of light effect that Azerbaijan did then. It's better with this song.
(Obligatory dress note: I liked the top, kind of a wedding dress look, which suits the song, but that blue sash did not belong there.)
#26 and it is the last song of the night. Finally. Ireland, in a surprising move, did not creepy twin act Jedward again this year, opting instead for Ryan Dolan and "Only Love Survives."
This song closes the competition by bringing the gay back to Eurovision 2013. Shirtless drummers and dancers add homoeroticism that hasn't been seen this year since Cezar's dancers, and Ryan reminds us that that's one of the key elements of Eurovision by pointing at one of them while singing "be love!" I could see this as a good gay club song. Ain't gonna win, though.
So that's it. Three grueling hours of mostly mediocre pop. I have to agree with Graham Norton that this year's entries seemed to put more effort into it than usual, which meant that Eurovision 2013 was missing some of the horrible acts that make the competition so damn fun to watch.
See you next year, Eurovision fans!
