If you need a reminder of how unnecessarily complicated Eurovision is, check out my Guide to Eurovision for Americans here.
The background for this year's Eurovision was a tense one. I'm sure I don't need to remind readers of the conflict in Eastern Europe (involving Russia), Russia's commitment to homophobia, oppressive poverty levels, or the increasing support for neo-fascist movements in a number of European countries. If you've read my guide, you'll know that these things do have an effect not only on the contest itself but events leading up to the contest. Sometimes the choice of performers and songs reflects these political relations. A number of countries pulled out of the contest this year; others flipped out when they suddenly realised that Eurovision is a pretty gay event and tried to get the broadcast censored. Needless to say, there was a lot of international tension even going into this one.
But you can't keep Eurovision down.
EDIT: The font changes throughout this entry. I've gone through and corrected it, but the corrections won't take. Sorry.
Early Impressions:
I watched part of the semi-finals this year since I knew I would be missing the Grand Final. An early favourite for me was Slovenia, not really for the song but because of Tinkara's dress. Seriously, that dress was stunning. Her voice isn't bad as far as Eurovision goes, so now, writing this knowing how poorly Slovenia did in the voting, I'm a little sad for Tinkara and her amazing dress. Having learned their lesson from giving Engelbert Humperdinck and Bonnie Tyler lacklustre, slow songs, England finally sent a better one. I really hate one of the songs I saw in a semi-final but I don't remember which one. Guess we'll see as I go through the entries!
Without further ado, Eurovision 2014.
1. Ukraine -- Mariya Yaremchuk, "Tick-Tock"
This is certainly a fun one to get us started and make viewers forget they all hate each other. The Cirque du Soleil-esque acrobatics at the beginning are pretty cool and live up to the general rule that Eurovision acts must have unnecessary people on the stage. The coolness drops, however, when he runs like a hamster in a wheel. Maybe it's because I'm an animal nut, but when he started running, it just seemed funny to me. Mariya's voice is pretty par for the course for Eurovision, not the height of vocal greatness but not horrible. A studio recording of this song (which does exist, but I haven't listened to it yet) would probably be good and right at home with some of the other pop and dance tracks on my iPod. As far as lyrics go, it's Eurovision. At least it's coherent.
2. Belarus -- Teo, "Cheesecake"
Oh man, I'm pretty sure I saw this song on the semi-final and hated it. This might be The One. Belarus didn't do Teo any favours by flipping out over Conchita Wurst prior to the broadcast. Something about his and his obligatory-unnecessary dancers' swagger reminds me of Robin Thicke. He hasn't even started singing yet and I already don't like him...
Is it just me or does he sound kind of like Ricky Martin? That's better than I was expecting. A reference to Dirty Dancing in the first verse might not have been the best idea. I'm sure most viewers recognised Patrick Swayze's name, but Jennifer Gray had the misfortune of fading into obscurity following a nosejob, and I have to wonder immediately how many of Eurovision's younger viewers had no idea what he's talking about here. I do love Belarus freaking out over Conchita's gender nonconformity when they've sent a guy who, albeit unfavourably, compares himself to cheesecake. The song isn't to my tastes but it isn't godawful. However, it is unfortunately marred by the country's politics. Sorry, Teo. (Or not sorry, if you're one of those people who freaked out over Conchita.)
3. Azerbaijan -- Dilara Kazimova, "Start a Fire"
The YouTube thumbnail promises more acrobatics. Oh, look at her dress! Look at that! Wait... is this a ballad? Don't send a ballad. Azerbaijan, you won just a couple years ago, you know not to send a ballad. It doesn't even have a good melody. This is the kind of song that everyone's going to forget as soon as it's over. However, I have to admit I like Dilara's voice. She sounds a little like Martha Wainwright in places, and that's always cool by me.
4. Iceland -- Pollapönk, "No Prejudice"
Well, this is either going to be cool or awful.... about 10 seconds in, and I'm sold. Sure, the lyrics lack any subtlety or nuisance whatsoever, but this is Eurovision. A guy said he loves a woman because of his own shoes last year. It's a fun song and I really dig their style. There's something kind of of 90s about it, but I'm not placing it at the moment. It reminds me of a specific song. I'm sure it will come back to me once I've posted this. These guys are better performers than a lot of bands I've seen do Eurovision since I became fascinated by it, and despite its Hallmark-card lyrics, I think this song works well outside the contest. This is an early favourite for me right now.
(And we're getting political already. Did you catch what Dilara said at the end of her performance? It's a common sentiment at these things, but this year it's contextualised by some very bad political tension.)
5. Norway -- Carl Espen, "Silent Storm"
Oh, don't be another ballad. It's too soon. At least this one has a better melody. I have to admire a stocky, tattooed guy coming out to do a ballad even if I'm staunchly against ballads at Eurovision. He performs it well enough and I do mean that in the theatrical sense. I actually wondered for a moment if he was really going to cry. He oversings the final chorus a bit, but that's hardly a sin in this contest. I don't like this song, but I only hate it because it's a Eurovision ballad. At least both of the ballads have had competent singers this time.
6. Romania -- Paula Seling & Ovi, "Miracle"
I caught this one when I watched part of a semi-final. I hate the CGI Paula at the beginning. Eurovision loves a gimmick, but that one doesn't play well. For viewers in the actual audience, Ovi is pointing at and singing to no one for a few seconds. For the TV viewer, the CGI is distractingly awkward. Ovi isn't very good at faking the keyboard (his badass face around 2:43 just makes it worse), and I think Paula's lip-syncing before the final chorus is a little too obvious. However, I don't hate the song. It certainly follows Eurovision rules -- gimmick, key change, dance track, wind machine, etc. -- and it's pretty listenable, but I don't know. It doesn't quite do it for me. This is probably a matter of personal taste, though.
7. Armenia -- Aram MP3, "Not Alone"
Gonna contextualise this one before I even listen to it. Aram MP3, besides having a really stupid stage name, is one of the people who freaked out over Conchita's existence. He later claimed his remarks were a joke, a common defense when someone is called out for having a horrible opinion. He should know better. But let's listen to his song.
Oh good lord, is it another ballad? I like the piano here in the intro but come on. How funny that he's singing a song about empathy when he went out of his way to show that he has none. What happens to his voice at around 2:10? Good lord indeed. He didn't sound that great singing softly and sensitively at the beginning and he's only making it worse. Dude, your voice isn't meant for that style. Please stop. You know what's really funny about him, though? You can tell by his facial structure that if he ever gets a facelift, he's going to look absolutely horrifying. I hope he keeps the name far after the mp3 is no longer a relevant file format. I'd recommend Aram .DOCX in the future.
8. Montenegro -- Sergej Ćetković, "Moj svijet"
And we're starting with an unnecessary ice skater-ballerina. Cool. I'll give her a pass because it works. When Sergej first came out, I had a moment of thinking "Stannis!" before his resemblance to Stephen Dillane abruptly ended. Is this seriously another ballad? Really? Countries throw the contest some years for various, often political, reasons and those are usually ridiculous acts, but this one appears perfectly sincere. Seriously here, people, this is Eurovision, stop the ballads. I'm so bored. Not even the pretty skating ballerina or the jellyfish waterfalls projected behind her can save this. The music gets a little better, but this song has already flubbed it.
9. Poland -- Donatan & Cleo, "My Slowianie -- We Are Slavic"
Oh. Oh dear. This is the one that features sexy butter-churning and sexy.... whatever else they're doing. Eurovision has a history of using women as sexy props, but this act got some criticism for it this year. The vague striptease positions and background projections of cleavage do this act no favours. It doesn't help, either, that they're characterising Polish women as sexy domestic servants. On its own, the performance is worth an eye roll; however, it becomes creepier and more clearly deserving of the criticism when we remember the very real exploitation of young Polish women. Impoverished or low-income Slavic women are transported to other European countries with promises of work in restaurants, as domestic workers, or even as entertainers -- they are instead forced into sexual and/or domestic slavery. This is a widely recognised problem and makes this performance seem like an advertisement for Polish exploitation.
10. Greece -- Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd, "Rise Up"
This song is fun and a good mix of Greek hip hop and dance. It's not my favourite and I probably wouldn't add it to my iPod, but if I heard it on the radio or just out and about, I'd listen to it. The best part, though, is that trampoline. There's a trampoline! How fun! I'm jealous of their enormous trampoline.
11. Austria -- Conchita Wurst, "Rise Like a Phoenix"
I never thought I would say that a bearded woman would make a good Bond girl, but Conchita really would. She's rocking that mermaid dress. While this is not a dance song and borders on being a ballad, I fully support its Eurovision win. Conchita's voice is one of the best ones. She nails that key change. Her look is obviously very unusual and one could say that it fits into the "gimmick" element of Eurovision, but she does it so sincerely that the potential for gimmick is lost. It's a quality performance. In the context of the rampant homophobia and state-supported violence against LGBT people in parts of Europe that has become such a widely recognised issue this year, the lyrics of this song and Conchita's attitude singing them seem all the more appropriate.
Conchita for the next Bond girl. I mean it.
It's a little weird to press on listening to everything when I already know that Conchita won, but one does what one must for Eurovision. Eurovision is worth it. Maybe. I know that the Slovenian gown is coming up, so there's at least one thing to look forward to.
But on to...
12. Germany -- Elaiza, "Is It Right"
It's like P!nk with an accordion. This isn't a very exciting song. It's not horrible, but it's not something to write home about either. The most interesting part of the performance is her outfit. Is it right or is it wrong? I can't tell. I kind of like it, kind of hate it. I'd probably wear it, though.
13. Sweden -- Sanna Nielsen, "Undo"
The thumbnails associated with this one lead me to think it's another ballad. Something about the title, too. "Un-" anything has ballad potential. But hey, remember how Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" (a good ballad because it's Toni Braxton) was turned into a good dance mix? Something cool could still happen here. Delicate piano.... yep, seems like a ballad. I actually like the repetition and the melody, though. Her voice is interesting too. The second chorus adds some Eurovision-appropriate music, but I wish it were a dance song rather than a ballad with some added percussion. Admittedly, I would listen to a remix of this.
14. France -- TWIN TWIN, "Moustache"
I'm going into this video knowing that this performance was the lowest scoring of the entire competition. I do remember feeling annoyed by the group's name and song title, so here's hoping they deserve that accolade.
... Oh dear. This isn't a good start. Can everyone leave the stage but the two guys holding guitars? I dig them. I saw the long-haired one with the hat during Emmelie de Forrest's performance and had hoped that he would be in a good act. He and the other holding-but-conspicuously-not-playing-a-guitar guy deserve better than this. Is France in deep financial trouble? Did they just throw the contest? Last year they did something that was actually pretty good. Who picked this song? Tip to whoever designed this performance: Don't do the audience interaction with the band's name thing unless it's a band people actually know and care about. Otherwise, it just looks like you're trying too hard.
15. Russia -- The Tolmachevy Sisters, "Shine"
And it's time for another "oh dear" moment. The act was booed when they were selected in the semi-final since Russia is playing comic book villain in Europe right now. I don't think the sisters themselves deserved the booing, but I'm not going to hold it against anyone who did boo, considering that Eurovision is primarily about the politics. This song is appropriate for Eurovision, but it also belongs on an anime soundtrack. Their looks give me a Sailor Moon vibe. I know there's about to be a Sailor Moon reboot or something like that, so if they need an extra song for that, this would be a good one. I don't understand the point of the plastic bars, but I can give that a pass. The performance is overshadowed by its country's political actions. We should all take a moment to appreciate that last year Russia sent a song calling for an end to war and this year their entry calls for "showing the world love." Russia's not the first or only country to ever send a hilariously inappropriate song to this convergence of European politics and music, but it's easy to understand why people aren't particularly impressed. (Song wasn't too bad, though. Shame.)
16. Italy -- Emma, "La mia città"
Emma runs into a problem that a lot of professional singers have -- it's hard to sing while moving around. She isn't dancing like Gaga or Beyonce, though, so the awkwardness of her voice here and there makes it look like she's just a weak live singer. Is she? I have no idea. I've never heard her sing before this. It's funny; she sounds like she's going to have a strong voice at first, but then quickly gets overpowered by the music and the backing track. Her crawling with the mike only added to the performance's awkwardness. But I like the costumes, so points for that.
And speaking of costumes, it's time for my favourite!
17. Slovenia -- Tinkara Kovač, "Round and Round"
I barely managed to catch this in the semi-final and fell in love with the dress. Look at that dress. I want to wear that every day of my life. Look at that collar. Look at that skirt. And there's lace! LACE!
The song isn't bad, either.... okay, I admit it, I really like this song. Do I like the song because of The Dress? It's entirely possible that there's an influence there. But it's a cool song...right? And she's a good singer. This one would have gotten my vote.
Dress. Dress dress dress dress dress dress dress.
18. Finland -- Softengine, "Something Better"
This is the first time someone's accent has made me think they're saying something ridiculous this year. Does the song open with "Even human bald people rolling dice"? Last year I turned out to be mostly right about my interpretation of some awkward lyrics. This year, I'm only one word off. Apparently, it's "Even human bound / People rolling dice." My version makes more sense. I think this song would have been popular in the US that summer that All-American Rejects were big.
19. Spain -- Ruth Lorenzo, "Dancing in the Rain"
I heard the studio version of this and didn't expect it to sound that good live, but I'm pleasantly surprised. She gets off to a bit of a weak start but not a bad one, and she carried that ending really well. Some singers really need the backing track (hi, Italy), but I wonder if this performance would have been better with less of one, since it seems to me that there are places where it's limiting her or else Ruth is slightly out of time with it, and I'd actually rather hear her in those parts than the supporting vocals. Regardless, it's a good Eurovision song. More dress points from me here too. I dig it.
20. Switzerland -- Sebalter, "Hunter of Stars"
I'm worried about this title. Please don't be another ballad. Hooray, it's not! People fake all sorts of stuff at Eurovision. Even Tinkara (The Dress) was totally not playing that flute, or if she was, what the audience hears is a flute on the track, not the live one. But there something about mimed whistling that looks especially fake. I say this as someone who cannot whistle to save her life. If I were a singer and had to do a song with whistling, I'd be faking it too. So much of this performance looks obviously faked that I want to really dislike it, but I don't really care. It's not my favourite song and I wouldn't even say that I like it, but it's not awful. Plus it gives us Eurovision's most sexually suggestive lyrics of the night:
"I would like to storm in, roar like a lion, roar like a lion,
But I fear your judgement, I fear your judgement
I'm so wet, I'm dirty"
For that, Sebalter gets a pass on everything-synching.
21. Hungary -- András Kállay-Saunders, "Running"
The YouTube thumbnails make this one look like either a soap opera or a fight. Things get weirder when the song actually starts. Is this song about child abuse? I'm not joking here. The lyrics appear to be about a child being abused by her father. When the second chorus gets under way, backup dancers act out what appears to be a man hitting a woman. This is not a Eurovision song. This is sketchy. Who picked this? Was mob money involved? Go home, Hungary.
22. Malta -- Firelight, "Coming Home"
....do I know these people? Are they from my home town? It looks like we've got some folky country and bluegrass music happening here. What's especially weirding me out about it is their accents. Are they actually mimicking our accents, or is this just a happy coincidence that their own, when singing, sound a little like ours? The guy says "yer." Not your but yer. I feel like I could either be really annoyed by this or I could like it, and I think I'm going with the latter option. The "yeah yeah yeah"s in the bridge seem out of place, but it's an otherwise good song. The genre is very unexpected here at Eurovision, but it reminds me of my people, so it gets my stamp of approval.
23. Denmark -- Basim, Cliché Love Song"
I caught this on the semi-final as well and didn't like it. Obviously, I prefer dance songs on Eurovision, but the reason I don't like this one very much is an even more specific matter of personal taste. It reminds me of Bruno Mars and I've just never really gotten into him. They seem to be having fun, though.
24. Netherlands -- The Common Linnets, "Calm After the Storm"
And we're back to country. Huh? It's not even the Carrie Underwood-style pop country that's so big right now, but proper-sounding contemporary country. The woman's even wearing what looks like a take on a Loretta Lynn hairstyle. They're pronouncing 'are' as 'er.' I don't even know what to make of this. And I'm having the same problem I had a few minutes ago. This is music that appeals to me outside of Eurovision since it's heavily inspired by the music of my home region. They're doing it well. Once again, despite it not being what I think of as a good Eurovision song, I actually like it.
In the few minutes that have passed since Malta's song, I've decided that it would be very unfair of me to be suspicious of Europeans working in genres I associate with home since I love First Aid Kit.
25. San Marino -- Valentina Monetta, "Maybe"
I was excited when I thought that the fabric hanging behind her was actually the train of her dress. Musically, this song has the same femme fatale vibe as Conchita's but lacks the femme fatale attitude. The spoken bits make the song seem appropriate for a stage musical. I'm pretty sure she's saying "Cirque du Soleil" somewhere in there. I'm not going to look up the actual lyrics. I want to believe.
Finally, the last one. We've made it.
26. United Kingdom -- Molly, "Children of the Universe"
I have to applaud the UK's choice this year, even though the British tradition of self-deprecation and half-hearted attempts at pop cultural engagement typically extend to Eurovision. The choices of the past two years haven't been that great. Sure, Engelbert Humperdinck is a celebrity, but his style isn't at all what flies at Eurovision. I maintain that Bonnie Tyler could have killed last year if she'd been given a good dance song to use that signature rasp with. Both times, Britain has relied on star power to try to garner the votes that they usually don't get anyway. This year, however, they went with an unknown singer, Molly, and a Eurovision-appropriate song. And it actually worked. This is a fun song, not my favourite, but definitely good for the contest. It's certainly a good one to end on.
And with that, we're done. Britain actually placed 17th this year, so well done there. See you next year, Eurovision readers.
