Better late than never: Eurovision 2014 Write-Up

I'm a few weeks late with this. I actually had to miss the Grand Final the night it happened because I was at a concert. I'm going to be honest, folks -- as much as I have come to love Eurovision since I moved here, seeing one of my idols live for the first time was totally worth it. I then lost my recording of the Grand Final, so now I'm going to have to rely on YouTube to catch me up.

If you need a reminder of how unnecessarily complicated Eurovision is, check out my Guide to Eurovision for Americans here.

The background for this year's Eurovision was a tense one. I'm sure I don't need to remind readers of the conflict in Eastern Europe (involving Russia), Russia's commitment to homophobia, oppressive poverty levels, or the increasing support for neo-fascist movements in a number of European countries. If you've read my guide, you'll know that these things do have an effect not only on the contest itself but events leading up to the contest. Sometimes the choice of performers and songs reflects these political relations. A number of countries pulled out of the contest this year; others flipped out when they suddenly realised that Eurovision is a pretty gay event and tried to get the broadcast censored. Needless to say, there was a lot of international tension even going into this one.

But you can't keep Eurovision down.

EDIT: The font changes throughout this entry. I've gone through and corrected it, but the corrections won't take. Sorry.

Early Impressions:
I watched part of the semi-finals this year since I knew I would be missing the Grand Final. An early favourite for me was Slovenia, not really for the song but because of Tinkara's dress. Seriously, that dress was stunning. Her voice isn't bad as far as Eurovision goes, so now, writing this knowing how poorly Slovenia did in the voting, I'm a little sad for Tinkara and her amazing dress. Having learned their lesson from giving Engelbert Humperdinck and Bonnie Tyler lacklustre, slow songs, England finally sent a better one. I really hate one of the songs I saw in a semi-final but I don't remember which one. Guess we'll see as I go through the entries!

Without further ado, Eurovision 2014. 

1. Ukraine -- Mariya Yaremchuk, "Tick-Tock"

This is certainly a fun one to get us started and make viewers forget they all hate each other. The Cirque du Soleil-esque acrobatics at the beginning are pretty cool and live up to the general rule that Eurovision acts must have unnecessary people on the stage. The coolness drops, however, when he runs like a hamster in a wheel. Maybe it's because I'm an animal nut, but when he started running, it just seemed funny to me. Mariya's voice is pretty par for the course for Eurovision, not the height of vocal greatness but not horrible. A studio recording of this song (which does exist, but I haven't listened to it yet) would probably be good and right at home with some of the other pop and dance tracks on my iPod. As far as lyrics go, it's Eurovision. At least it's coherent.

2. Belarus -- Teo, "Cheesecake"

Oh man, I'm pretty sure I saw this song on the semi-final and hated it. This might be The One. Belarus didn't do Teo any favours by flipping out over Conchita Wurst prior to the broadcast. Something about his and his obligatory-unnecessary dancers' swagger reminds me of Robin Thicke. He hasn't even started singing yet and I already don't like him...

Is it just me or does he sound kind of like Ricky Martin? That's better than I was expecting. A reference to Dirty Dancing in the first verse might not have been the best idea. I'm sure most viewers recognised Patrick Swayze's name, but Jennifer Gray had the misfortune of fading into obscurity following a nosejob, and I have to wonder immediately how many of Eurovision's younger viewers had no idea what he's talking about here. I do love Belarus freaking out over Conchita's gender nonconformity when they've sent a guy who, albeit unfavourably, compares himself to cheesecake. The song isn't to my tastes but it isn't godawful. However, it is unfortunately marred by the country's politics. Sorry, Teo. (Or not sorry, if you're one of those people who freaked out over Conchita.)

3. Azerbaijan -- Dilara Kazimova, "Start a Fire"

The YouTube thumbnail promises more acrobatics. Oh, look at her dress! Look at that! Wait... is this a ballad? Don't send a ballad. Azerbaijan, you won just a couple years ago, you know not to send a ballad. It doesn't even have a good melody. This is the kind of song that everyone's going to forget as soon as it's over. However, I have to admit I like Dilara's voice. She sounds a little like Martha Wainwright in places, and that's always cool by me. 

4. Iceland -- Pollapönk, "No Prejudice"

Well, this is either going to be cool or awful.... about 10 seconds in, and I'm sold. Sure, the lyrics lack any subtlety or nuisance whatsoever, but this is Eurovision. A guy said he loves a woman because of his own shoes last year. It's a fun song and I really dig their style. There's something kind of of 90s about it, but I'm not placing it at the moment. It reminds me of a specific song. I'm sure it will come back to me once I've posted this. These guys are better performers than a lot of bands I've seen do Eurovision since I became fascinated by it, and despite its Hallmark-card lyrics, I think this song works well outside the contest. This is an early favourite for me right now. 

(And we're getting political already. Did you catch what Dilara said at the end of her performance? It's a common sentiment at these things, but this year it's contextualised by some very bad political tension.)

5. Norway -- Carl Espen, "Silent Storm"

Oh, don't be another ballad. It's too soon. At least this one has a better melody. I have to admire a stocky, tattooed guy coming out to do a ballad even if I'm staunchly against ballads at Eurovision. He performs it well enough and I do mean that in the theatrical sense. I actually wondered for a moment if he was really going to cry. He oversings the final chorus a bit, but that's hardly a sin in this contest. I don't like this song, but I only hate it because it's a Eurovision ballad. At least both of the ballads have had competent singers this time. 

6. Romania -- Paula Seling & Ovi, "Miracle"

I caught this one when I watched part of a semi-final. I hate the CGI Paula at the beginning. Eurovision loves a gimmick, but that one doesn't play well. For viewers in the actual audience, Ovi is pointing at and singing to no one for a few seconds. For the TV viewer, the CGI is distractingly awkward. Ovi isn't very good at faking the keyboard (his badass face around 2:43 just makes it worse), and I think Paula's lip-syncing before the final chorus is a little too obvious. However, I don't hate the song. It certainly follows Eurovision rules -- gimmick, key change, dance track, wind machine, etc. -- and it's pretty listenable, but I don't know. It doesn't quite do it for me. This is probably a matter of personal taste, though. 

7. Armenia -- Aram MP3, "Not Alone"

Gonna contextualise this one before I even listen to it. Aram MP3, besides having a really stupid stage name, is one of the people who freaked out over Conchita's existence. He later claimed his remarks were a joke, a common defense when someone is called out for having a horrible opinion. He should know better. But let's listen to his song. 

Oh good lord, is it another ballad? I like the piano here in the intro but come on. How funny that he's singing a song about empathy when he went out of his way to show that he has none. What happens to his voice at around 2:10? Good lord indeed. He didn't sound that great singing softly and sensitively at the beginning and he's only making it worse. Dude, your voice isn't meant for that style. Please stop. You know what's really funny about him, though? You can tell by his facial structure that if he ever gets a facelift, he's going to look absolutely horrifying. I hope he keeps the name far after the mp3 is no longer a relevant file format. I'd recommend Aram .DOCX in the future. 

8. Montenegro -- Sergej Ćetković, "Moj svijet"

And we're starting with an unnecessary ice skater-ballerina. Cool. I'll give her a pass because it works. When Sergej first came out, I had a moment of thinking "Stannis!" before his resemblance to Stephen Dillane abruptly ended. Is this seriously another ballad? Really? Countries throw the contest some years for various, often political, reasons and those are usually ridiculous acts, but this one appears perfectly sincere. Seriously here, people, this is Eurovision, stop the ballads. I'm so bored. Not even the pretty skating ballerina or the jellyfish waterfalls projected behind her can save this. The music gets a little better, but this song has already flubbed it.

9. Poland -- Donatan & Cleo, "My Slowianie -- We Are Slavic"

Oh. Oh dear. This is the one that features sexy butter-churning and sexy.... whatever else they're doing. Eurovision has a history of using women as sexy props, but this act got some criticism for it this year. The vague striptease positions and background projections of cleavage do this act no favours. It doesn't help, either, that they're characterising Polish women as sexy domestic servants. On its own, the performance is worth an eye roll; however, it becomes creepier and more clearly deserving of the criticism when we remember the very real exploitation of young Polish women. Impoverished or low-income Slavic women are transported to other European countries with promises of work in restaurants, as domestic workers, or even as entertainers -- they are instead forced into sexual and/or domestic slavery. This is a widely recognised problem and makes this performance seem like an advertisement for Polish exploitation.

10. Greece -- Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd, "Rise Up"

This song is fun and a good mix of Greek hip hop and dance. It's not my favourite and I probably wouldn't add it to my iPod, but if I heard it on the radio or just out and about, I'd listen to it. The best part, though, is that trampoline. There's a trampoline! How fun! I'm jealous of their enormous trampoline.

11. Austria -- Conchita Wurst, "Rise Like a Phoenix"

I never thought I would say that a bearded woman would make a good Bond girl, but Conchita really would. She's rocking that mermaid dress. While this is not a dance song and borders on being a ballad, I fully support its Eurovision win. Conchita's voice is one of the best ones. She nails that key change. Her look is obviously very unusual and one could say that it fits into the "gimmick" element of Eurovision, but she does it so sincerely that the potential for gimmick is lost. It's a quality performance. In the context of the rampant homophobia and state-supported violence against LGBT people in parts of Europe that has become such a widely recognised issue this year, the lyrics of this song and Conchita's attitude singing them seem all the more appropriate.

Conchita for the next Bond girl. I mean it.

It's a little weird to press on listening to everything when I already know that Conchita won, but one does what one must for Eurovision. Eurovision is worth it. Maybe. I know that the Slovenian gown is coming up, so there's at least one thing to look forward to.

But on to...

12. Germany -- Elaiza, "Is It Right"

It's like P!nk with an accordion. This isn't a very exciting song. It's not horrible, but it's not something to write home about either. The most interesting part of the performance is her outfit. Is it right or is it wrong? I can't tell. I kind of like it, kind of hate it. I'd probably wear it, though.

13. Sweden -- Sanna Nielsen, "Undo"

The thumbnails associated with this one lead me to think it's another ballad. Something about the title, too. "Un-" anything has ballad potential. But hey, remember how Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" (a good ballad because it's Toni Braxton) was turned into a good dance mix? Something cool could still happen here. Delicate piano.... yep, seems like a ballad. I actually like the repetition and the melody, though. Her voice is interesting too. The second chorus adds some Eurovision-appropriate music, but I wish it were a dance song rather than a ballad with some added percussion. Admittedly, I would listen to a remix of this.

14. France -- TWIN TWIN, "Moustache"

I'm going into this video knowing that this performance was the lowest scoring of the entire competition. I do remember feeling annoyed by the group's name and song title, so here's hoping they deserve that accolade.

... Oh dear. This isn't a good start. Can everyone leave the stage but the two guys holding guitars? I dig them. I saw the long-haired one with the hat during Emmelie de Forrest's performance and had hoped that he would be in a good act. He and the other holding-but-conspicuously-not-playing-a-guitar guy deserve better than this. Is France in deep financial trouble? Did they just throw the contest? Last year they did something that was actually pretty good. Who picked this song? Tip to whoever designed this performance: Don't do the audience interaction with the band's name thing unless it's a band people actually know and care about. Otherwise, it just looks like you're trying too hard.

15. Russia -- The Tolmachevy Sisters, "Shine"

And it's time for another "oh dear" moment. The act was booed when they were selected in the semi-final since Russia is playing comic book villain in Europe right now. I don't think the sisters themselves deserved the booing, but I'm not going to hold it against anyone who did boo, considering that Eurovision is primarily about the politics. This song is appropriate for Eurovision, but it also belongs on an anime soundtrack. Their looks give me a Sailor Moon vibe. I know there's about to be a Sailor Moon reboot or something like that, so if they need an extra song for that, this would be a good one. I don't understand the point of the plastic bars, but I can give that a pass. The performance is overshadowed by its country's political actions. We should all take a moment to appreciate that last year Russia sent a song calling for an end to war and this year their entry calls for "showing the world love." Russia's not the first or only country to ever send a hilariously inappropriate song to this convergence of European politics and music, but it's easy to understand why people aren't particularly impressed. (Song wasn't too bad, though. Shame.)

16. Italy -- Emma, "La mia città"

Emma runs into a problem that a lot of professional singers have -- it's hard to sing while moving around. She isn't dancing like Gaga or Beyonce, though, so the awkwardness of her voice here and there makes it look like she's just a weak live singer. Is she? I have no idea. I've never heard her sing before this. It's funny; she sounds like she's going to have a strong voice at first, but then quickly gets overpowered by the music and the backing track. Her crawling with the mike only added to the performance's awkwardness. But I like the costumes, so points for that. 

And speaking of costumes, it's time for my favourite! 

17. Slovenia -- Tinkara Kovač, "Round and Round"

I barely managed to catch this in the semi-final and fell in love with the dress. Look at that dress. I want to wear that every day of my life. Look at that collar. Look at that skirt. And there's lace! LACE!

The song isn't bad, either.... okay, I admit it, I really like this song. Do I like the song because of The Dress? It's entirely possible that there's an influence there. But it's a cool song...right? And she's a good singer. This one would have gotten my vote.

Dress. Dress dress dress dress dress dress dress.

18. Finland -- Softengine, "Something Better"

This is the first time someone's accent has made me think they're saying something ridiculous this year. Does the song open with "Even human bald people rolling dice"? Last year I turned out to be mostly right about my interpretation of some awkward lyrics. This year, I'm only one word off. Apparently, it's "Even human bound / People rolling dice." My version makes more sense. I think this song would have been popular in the US that summer that All-American Rejects were big.

19. Spain -- Ruth Lorenzo, "Dancing in the Rain"

I heard the studio version of this and didn't expect it to sound that good live, but I'm pleasantly surprised. She gets off to a bit of a weak start but not a bad one, and she carried that ending really well. Some singers really need the backing track (hi, Italy), but I wonder if this performance would have been better with less of one, since it seems to me that there are places where it's limiting her or else Ruth is slightly out of time with it, and I'd actually rather hear her in those parts than the supporting vocals. Regardless, it's a good Eurovision song. More dress points from me here too. I dig it.

20. Switzerland -- Sebalter, "Hunter of Stars"

I'm worried about this title. Please don't be another ballad. Hooray, it's not! People fake all sorts of stuff at Eurovision. Even Tinkara (The Dress) was totally not playing that flute, or if she was, what the audience hears is a flute on the track, not the live one. But there something about mimed whistling that looks especially fake. I say this as someone who cannot whistle to save her life. If I were a singer and had to do a song with whistling, I'd be faking it too. So much of this performance looks obviously faked that I want to really dislike it, but I don't really care. It's not my favourite song and I wouldn't even say that I like it, but it's not awful. Plus it gives us Eurovision's most sexually suggestive lyrics of the night:

"I would like to storm in, roar like a lion, roar like a lion,
But I fear your judgement, I fear your judgement
I'm so wet, I'm dirty"

For that, Sebalter gets a pass on everything-synching.

21. Hungary -- András Kállay-Saunders, "Running"

The YouTube thumbnails make this one look like either a soap opera or a fight. Things get weirder when the song actually starts. Is this song about child abuse? I'm not joking here. The lyrics appear to be about a child being abused by her father. When the second chorus gets under way, backup dancers act out what appears to be a man hitting a woman. This is not a Eurovision song. This is sketchy. Who picked this? Was mob money involved? Go home, Hungary.

22. Malta -- Firelight, "Coming Home"

....do I know these people? Are they from my home town? It looks like we've got some folky country and bluegrass music happening here. What's especially weirding me out about it is their accents. Are they actually mimicking our accents, or is this just a happy coincidence that their own, when singing, sound a little like ours? The guy says "yer." Not your but yer. I feel like I could either be really annoyed by this or I could like it, and I think I'm going with the latter option. The "yeah yeah yeah"s in the bridge seem out of place, but it's an otherwise good song. The genre is very unexpected here at Eurovision, but it reminds me of my people, so it gets my stamp of approval.

23. Denmark -- Basim, Cliché Love Song"

I caught this on the semi-final as well and didn't like it. Obviously, I prefer dance songs on Eurovision, but the reason I don't like this one very much is an even more specific matter of personal taste. It reminds me of Bruno Mars and I've just never really gotten into him. They seem to be having fun, though. 

24. Netherlands -- The Common Linnets, "Calm After the Storm"

And we're back to country. Huh? It's not even the Carrie Underwood-style pop country that's so big right now, but proper-sounding contemporary country. The woman's even wearing what looks like a take on a Loretta Lynn hairstyle. They're pronouncing 'are' as 'er.' I don't even know what to make of this. And I'm having the same problem I had a few minutes ago. This is music that appeals to me outside of Eurovision since it's heavily inspired by the music of my home region. They're doing it well. Once again, despite it not being what I think of as a good Eurovision song, I actually like it. 

In the few minutes that have passed since Malta's song, I've decided that it would be very unfair of me to be suspicious of Europeans working in genres I associate with home since I love First Aid Kit. 

25. San Marino -- Valentina Monetta, "Maybe"

I was excited when I thought that the fabric hanging behind her was actually the train of her dress. Musically, this song has the same femme fatale vibe as Conchita's but lacks the femme fatale attitude. The spoken bits make the song seem appropriate for a stage musical. I'm pretty sure she's saying "Cirque du Soleil" somewhere in there. I'm not going to look up the actual lyrics. I want to believe. 

Finally, the last one. We've made it. 

26. United Kingdom -- Molly, "Children of the Universe"

I have to applaud the UK's choice this year, even though the British tradition of self-deprecation and half-hearted attempts at pop cultural engagement typically extend to Eurovision. The choices of the past two years haven't been that great. Sure, Engelbert Humperdinck is a celebrity, but his style isn't at all what flies at Eurovision. I maintain that Bonnie Tyler could have killed last year if she'd been given a good dance song to use that signature rasp with. Both times, Britain has relied on star power to try to garner the votes that they usually don't get anyway. This year, however, they went with an unknown singer, Molly, and a Eurovision-appropriate song. And it actually worked. This is a fun song, not my favourite, but definitely good for the contest. It's certainly a good one to end on. 

And with that, we're done. Britain actually placed 17th this year, so well done there. See you next year, Eurovision readers. 

Eurovision 2013 Write-Up

Is it just me, or was 2013 not as hokey as the past two years? As an American who's only been aware of Eurovision for three years, I can't help but feel that I've missed out on some prime awfulness. Apparently, even Graham Norton thought this year had some surprisingly not crap entries. But maybe that's only because Paradise Oskar wasn't there to frighten us all half to death. (Yes, I still find him terrifying. Take a look at the promotional video for his 2011 Eurovision song and tell me it doesn't look like one of those old "stranger danger" movies.)

2013's theme was "We Are One" or something. I had a bad cold, so I wasn't really paying attention to the pre-show crap. I suspect the purpose of the theme was to try to convince Europe not to get all huffy about the politics of voting, since there was some controversy surrounding that this year. 

Yes, Eurovision, we are one, united in a shimmery display of sequins and mediocrity. 

First up was Amandine Bourgeois for France, getting us started with a song that was...

... not awful? 

I was surprised. Maybe I'm jaded by my own expectations of crap at Eurovision, but I thought this song was actually good. Amandine's blues rock-influenced style was unexpected, and check out her little rock dancing at the end. This song seems like it would actually be listenable outside the context of Eurovision. That and the fact that it went first out of twenty-six acts basically ensured it wouldn't do very well. 

The more I listen to it, though, the more I like it. Luckily, the musical quality of the night would eventually plummet. 

Second of twenty-six was Lithuania's Andrius Pojavis with "Something," a song whose title instantly called to mind George Harrison's song, which I maintain is one of the best love songs ever written. Unfortunately, this song came nowhere close to Harrison's beauty. 

This song has an immediately interesting start, but quickly displays some of my favorite traditional aspects of a Eurovision song: a canned guitar, a mediocre singer, awkward pronunciation, and some really awkward English lyrics. I remember how in 2011 I made a joke about what I thought the winning entry from Azerbaijan was saying, and I looked up the lyrics only to find that I was actually right about some of them. So here's what I think Andrius is saying: 

"If you don't know, I'm in love with you

When some of them falls, it becomes untrue

Because of my shoes I'm wearing today

One is called love, the other is Spain."

And let's see how close I was.... damn. Almost 100% correct. Yes, here at Eurovision, a random reference to naming one's shoes and how that has an effect on love makes perfect sense. God, I love this thing. 

The best part of his performance, however, occurs at 1:36 thanks to bad vocal work, bad camera work, and bad editing. 

Moving on to #3 of 26. 

No, that's not Jewel's "Foolish Games," but Moldova's Aliona Moon with "O Mie." Note the male dancers who have nothing to do with the song at all. It took us three songs to get to the gratuitous dancers, but we got there. 

This song reminds me of James Bond for some reason. If you give it a shot, it gets really interesting toward the end. But with that tempo, even great hair, an awesome costume effect, a rising platform, fake fire and lightning couldn't save this one from being forgotten.

Despite being the first catchy tune, #4 (of 26, oh my God) was perhaps the most awkward attempt at getting votes of the night, and for a number of reasons. Finland's Krista Siegfrids reportedly wrote the song herself as a hint to her boyfriend to propose. The song is called "Marry Me," so apparently, subtlety is not Krista's thing. But that was only the beginning of the awkwardness. 

While awkward lyrics are tradition at Eurovions, some eyebrows were raised by "Marry Me's" characterization of marriage as a master/slave relationship, "a walk of shame" meant to produce "cute babies." The choice of "oh oh a ding dong" as filler is funny, but perhaps overshadowed by the awkwardness of the singer's admission that this is directed at her boyfriend. Krista pulls a Katy Perry at the end, engaging in a lesbian kiss that looks a little too porno-awkward, after which she yells "Ding dong!" The kiss might have been cool if it wasn't so obvious about its vote pandering. While some were offended by the same-sex kiss (Turkey, not participating this year, reportedly refused to air the contest because of it), others seemed put off by the hetero gaze objectification of lesbianism, and to much surprise, the song bombed horribly at voting. 

It did, however, result in this line from commentator Graham Norton in place of his usual warning about flashing lights: "If the sight of two girls kissing offends you, you need to grow up." 

On to #5 of 26, Spain's EDSM singing "Contigo hasta el final."

Since Spain is broke and in the grips of major economic turmoil, it seemed only appropriate that they sent a woman who can't sing. Is her voice actually bad, or is her earpiece screwed up so that she can't hear the music? Is she just too nervous? Was she told to flub it so Spain won't have to host next year? Given that she's beautiful and wearing a showy dress and it's Eurovision, it seems most likely that she was sent as the token Hot Girl Who Can't Sing. The song's title, for those who don't know, translates as "With you til the end," and luckily for our ears, the end comes pretty soon. 

That dress is lovely, though, isn't it? 

And if you watch the guitarists' hands, umm... looks like someone's not really playing. 

#6 of 26 ended with tears. Belgium's Roberto Bellarosa is the youngest performer to compete at Eurovision at only eighteen. "Love Kills" gets off to an awkward start, but by the chorus Roberto's confidence seems to build and he's not so bad. 

The chorus is catchy and the song seems at home in any contemporary dance-pop playlist. I don't hate it. I do hate the dancing, though. At one point, the girls look like they're smuggling canned ham between their thighs. It's impossible to judge this song too harshly when it's over, as Roberto's nerves get the better of him. 

The piano at the beginning of Birgit of Estonia's "Et Uus Saaks Alguse" (7/26) distractingly reminds me of Coldplay's "Clocks." 

The song is pretty enough, her voice is competent, the wind machine does pretty things to her dress, but it falls into the worst of all Eurovision pitfalls. It's kind of boring. On its own, it would be a pretty ballad, but this is Eurovision, and at Eurovision, you want either a ridiculously catchy, destined-for-success dance song or a song so ridiculous that no one can tune it out. Birgit's song is neither, and I forgot about it almost as soon as it was over. 

Oh cha ha, it's time for Belarus and Alyona Lanskaya's "Solayoh" (8/26). 

This song is basically an embodiment of Eurovision. We have unnecessary dancers, a disco ball, bad clubbing outfits, a voice of questionable quality, and really, really dumb lyrics. Here, we've managed to rhyme "ya" with "night," and the final lyric, "We can make it into cha cha" seems to conflate dancing with arts and crafts. 

The beginning of Malta's entry, Gianluca's "Tomorrow," might make you wonder if you're about to hear a rip-off of Train's "Hey, Soul Sister." You sort of are, I guess. Maybe? I don't know. 

The introduction to the song (not in the above video) and commentators overemphasized the fact that Gianluca is apparently a doctor. A very, very smiley doctor. He just looks so happy, doesn't he? 

It's a cute song. The projection of the lyrics is unnecessary for once, since this is hardly the most awkward English of the night. But that being said, I'm not sure what to make of the song's point. Is it "time to follow her tomorrow" because tomorrow's the day Jeremy's going to find the courage to take a risk? Or because he's procrastinating? Gianluca's smile does not answer this question. 

#10 of 26 was Russia's Dina Garipova with "What If," the first song of the night that, musically speaking, stood a chance to win. 

The slow ballad builds into an anthem that reflects the competition's "We Are One" theme, perhaps a bit too shamelessly. It's a typical peace advocacy song, but its hook is catchy enough to make it noticeable, and the percussion and backup singing beginning the second verse gave this one a fair shot at the high votes. 

I'll guiltily admit to liking this one. Dina's simple dress and makeup are unusual, and I like the lighting effect behind her. Her voice is strong for a Eurovision candidate, and there's something rather pretty and cute about the way her accent is so noticeable when she says "bury our guns" (it's like that on the album too). The song is catchy and positive. So while I quite enjoyed France's entry and also found Moldova likable, at this point in the competition, Russia was my favorite for the win. 

#11 got a lot of jokes from commentators even pre-show. Representing Germany, Cascada's "Glorious" sounds uncannily like last year's winner, Loreen's "Euphoria." There was even a legal case prior to the competition to investigate possible plagiarism. Judging by internet comments, people get really damned upset if you say that "Glorious" sounds like "Euphoria," but it seriously does. 

Everything about it seemed to beg to be mistaken for "Euphoria" -- not just the music and lyrics, but the staging as well. (For reference, here's a link to "Euphoria".) I was surprised by the weak singing since Cascada is a band that I'm guilty of listening to when I want to hear dance music and I don't recall the singer ever sounding this awkward. The curse of Eurovision strikes again. I kept waiting for her to trip over the train of that dress when she went downstage. At least Loreen was barefoot. 

I was surprised by how few votes "Glorious" got. Unlike England, Germany's not one of the countries who never wins; they won just a couple of years ago. The song is typical Eurovision fare, but it seems like its lazy similarities to "Euphoria" didn't impress anyone. 

#12 was one of my least favorite songs of the evening. Dorians' (Armenia) "Lonely Planet" tried for a political message, but not in a good Eurovision way (that will be Greece). 

Remember a few years ago when Creed and Nickelback and other generic Vh1-friendly rock bands were popular? These guys would have fit right in with all that. Maybe Europeans don't see them the same way, but coming from an American context, these guys remind me way too much of that godawful period. Their environmentalist song suffers from a problem common to political pop songs -- it brings up a good point but in the safest, most boring way possible. To do a boring song at Eurovision of all places just further damns it. 

It also suffers from unintentionally funny lyrics. Lonely Planet is the name of a popular series of guidebooks and travel resources, and come on -- "Lonely Planet, who has done it?" You can do better than that, Armenia. 

Finally, I don't play guitar so I can't say for sure here without risking sounding like a douche, but I'm told more guitar fakery is evident if you watch their performance. 

But at the halfway mark at #13, the Netherlands committed a worse sin with Anouk's "Birds." Graham Norton introduced the song by warning viewers who didn't like Lana del Rey that they won't like Anouk, and the comparison is certainly valid. I actually like Lana del Rey, but she's one of the last people I'd ever pick for Eurovision, as her usual style would ensure that the song lands firmly in the middle ground, the worst place for a Eurovision song to be. 

At least Anouk doesn't look miserable as she sings, despite the song's depressing lyrics. It's Eurovision, damn it. Depression has no place here. 

But not to worry. At #14, Romania brought the goods with classically trained operatic countertenor Cezar and "It's My Life." What? Yeah, I know. Lest anyone think I'm disparaging an entire vocal part, I need to preface this by saying that I actually listen to countertenors sometimes. I appreciate them a great deal. But an operatic countertenor at Eurovision? Surrounded by dancing nearly-naked men? That is what Eurovision is about. Eurovision is flamboyance at its best, and this song set the bar high. (No pun intended.) 

Everything about this performance just made my night. The theatrical costume combined with Cezar deploying such a deep voice made him seem like a Disney villain, and I always appreciate that. If anything, the men in this year's Eurovision have been too butch fashion-wise, so it's about time we got a guy wearing an actual costume, looking he's on his way to a vampire ball. While the performance has some novelty song qualities, it didn't apologize for its sudden countertenor attack; the lyrics even warn you that it's about to happen. Garish costumes, cheesy dance music (surprise dubstep!), and male homoerotics are staples of Eurovision which have been sorely lacking this year. This song is just so dramatic and flamboyant that it's both ridiculous and awesome. Look at his face. It's like he's in a horrible play. Maybe he is. At a Eurovision that has been a bit lackluster so far, Cezar is the only actor who's bothered to read the script. 

I don't know if Romania was being light-hearted or completely serious about this entry, or if Cezar was. I don't care. The moment I saw that costume, I wanted them to win. 

After that eye-opening experience, England's own Bonnie Tyler didn't stand a chance. Wait, what? Bonnie Tyler, as in "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and "Holding Out for a Hero?" Bonnie Tyler, whose songs have been associated with melodrama and male homoeroticism for decades? 

Yep. And she sucked. 

Well, she didn't suck, actually. She had a crappy song to work with. "Believe in Me" is typical CMT fare, lyrically and musically. Combined with Bonnie's signature rasp, it sounds like a bad Stevie Nicks song (and I love me some Stevie, but come on, her easy listening stuff isn't the best of her career). For once, England picked someone I approve of, but then they had to go and ruin it by giving her the crappiest song they could find. Good job, England. You've crapped the bed again. Did you learn nothing from last year's Engelbert fiasco? 

Readers, Bonnie Tyler, here robbed of a chance at glory by whoever picked this dumb song. 

She should sue. Or better yet, if England insists on not following my advice and getting Sarah Brightman, she should do Eurovision against next year, but this time with a dance song that will allow her to show off her rasp. 

At #16 of 26, Sweden reminded England what Eurovision is supposed to be with "You" by Robin Stjernberg. Musically speaking, at least. Vocally... not so much. 

I've heard the album version of this and it was much better. Live, though, Robin didn't get the benefit of autotune to correct those note changes, so the chorus went all over the place. 

Forget that, though. What the hell are those dancers wearing? 

Hungary's ByeAlex proved that even Eurovision isn't safe from hipsters. 

With touches of Boho chic and quiet, calm voices and quirky animation projected behind them, the band and their "Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)" seem right at home amongst the college indie circuit. Good for them, but not for Eurovision. In other words, I'm trying to dance here. 

Then at #18, Denmark sent out Emmelie de Forest, and something happened. 

Until this moment, I wanted Romania to win and figured Russia would, and I was cool with that. But once Emmelie reached the first chorus of "Only Teardrops", it was obvious that this song was going to take the whole competition. It's a catchy, dance-able song that still manages to be distinctive. The drumming added a cool element, and Emmelie's voice is, in my opinion, fantastic. There's also an interesting assertiveness to her tone that makes the song seem kind of fun despite its subject. I wasn't surprised to find out that this song had already been topped the charts and was one of the -- if not THE -- favorite to win amongst bookies. 

Should I go ahead and spoil it for you? It won. 

I'm going to admit that I've had it stuck in my head lately. I actually rooted for it to win if dear Romania couldn't, and I've even listened to Emmelie's album since then. You know what? It's good. 

So with Denmark now clearly heading for the win, it was time to get boring again with #19, Iceland's Eythor Ingi with "Ég á líf." 

Once again, I'm reminded of early 2000s longhaired "rockers" who actually did boring pop songs. This song's tone and lyrics make Eythor seem like one of those "Jesus is my girlfriend" Christian rock singers. The song's boring, and I'm having bad Creed flashbacks again. Next!

At #20 (praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, we're almost done!) was 2011's winning country, Azerbaijan, who sent Farid Mammadov to sing "Hold Me."

The first verse gets off to an awkward start with English lyrics that don't quite fit into the lines. Then it just becomes an early 2000s Backstreet Boys-sounding song, and I'm bored again. The only interesting part of it is the male dancer in the clear box who at first mirrors Farrid's movements -- which at one point requires him to do a painful-looking headstand. Wait, no, there are two interesting things. The female backup singer's dress has a huge train, so Azerbaijan gets a few brownie points from me just for that. The song sucks (and ick, that key change), but the guy in the box and train woman are kinda cool, I guess.

Every year someone has to do a political protest song that has no chance of winning, but really just expresses displeasure at the world through a kind of minstrelsy. This year, Greece did it, with Koza Mostra and Agathanos Iakovidis performing "Alcohol Is Free."

After the schlock we've been subjected to after Emmelie de Forrest, this is a lively and fun song. Its liveliness is cynical, however, as the song is a cheeky take on Greece's current poverty crisis and its terrible effects on the people there. Such topics really only belong at Eurovision when presented as cynical fun, and these guys have succeeded. It's a vote-worthy song that shouldn't actually be voted for, since Greece can in no way afford to stage next year's contest.

At #22, we have Ukraine's Zlata Ognevich with "Gravity", which may as well be a Disney song.

Disney could have made it more interesting, though. It's in dire need of a stronger chorus. The key change at around 2:17 is horrifying for a moment. She clearly can't move much in that dress, but her swaying is pretty enough. Still, it's a Disney song in the making. It just needs some singing crabs and such.

Moving on to #23, Italy sent Marco Mengoni with a song that people seemed to love for some reason.

Maybe it's because I was tired at this point, but "L'Essenziale" did nothing but bore me. The only thing that could have made it more boring is if Josh Groban had sung it. I suspect some semi-political reason for its good reception -- either the voting bloc did their thing, or someone had money on this song. However, to my half-deaf American I-don't-know-shit-about-Italian ears, one line of the chorus sounds like he's saying "where's your daddy?", which amuses me at least.

Norway's Margaret Berger (#24) had the last song of the night that stood any chance of winning. Despite its weird title, "I Feed You My Love" is a strong entry.

The chorus doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it has a kind of James Bond song feel (at least to me it does) and that makes it fun to listen to. I rather liked it. Denmark was still clearly going to win, but musically, this one could compete with them in a way that most of the others never could.

I haven't listened to Margaret's album, but I'm told by people who have that her Eurovision song is actually much stronger than her usual work, which is disappointing. I'll probably still give it a listen.

Before moving on, I do have to comment on her dress. For the most part, I liked it, but the sparkly panels on the torso and sides should have been wider. They look too dainty for that style. Then again, when it comes to things that sparkle, my motto is go big or go home.

#25 and we're almost there! Georgia sent a duo, Nodi Tatashvili and Sophie Gelovani with "Waterfalls."

I'm not sure what waterfalls really have to do with this song, but I think it would do well in the US. It's not an interesting ballad, but it's passable. In other words, it's not my cup of tea, but I think it's objectively likable. Nodi and Sophie certainly have more chemistry than Azerbaijan's winning 2011 duo, and they can sing far, far better. Funnily, this act did the same falling drops of light effect that Azerbaijan did then. It's better with this song.

(Obligatory dress note: I liked the top, kind of a wedding dress look, which suits the song, but that blue sash did not belong there.)

#26 and it is the last song of the night. Finally. Ireland, in a surprising move, did not creepy twin act Jedward again this year, opting instead for Ryan Dolan and "Only Love Survives."

This song closes the competition by bringing the gay back to Eurovision 2013. Shirtless drummers and dancers add homoeroticism that hasn't been seen this year since Cezar's dancers, and Ryan reminds us that that's one of the key elements of Eurovision by pointing at one of them while singing "be love!" I could see this as a good gay club song. Ain't gonna win, though.

So that's it. Three grueling hours of mostly mediocre pop. I have to agree with Graham Norton that this year's entries seemed to put more effort into it than usual, which meant that Eurovision 2013 was missing some of the horrible acts that make the competition so damn fun to watch.

See you next year, Eurovision fans!

Eurovision 2011 Semi-Finals #1: PARADISE OSKAR IS COMING TO KILL US ALL

2013 update: I went to apply the "Eurovision" tag to this post and for some reason, adding a new tag now causes a post to re-post itself like a new one, so I guess this is at the top again. Whatevs.


Eurovision is something I became vaguely aware of last year when I first met the boy. Since most of my readers, at least as far as I'm aware, aren't familiar with the great phenomenon that simultaneously causes each participating nation both great pride and great humiliation, you can read a more objective description of the contest here. Or you can just read my impression of it.

Imagine if American Idol (or X Factor, if that's your thing) were bigger, brighter, involved the stage being set on fire, and lasted only a couple of weeks, and each contestant represents a different country. In some ways, we might expect it to involve higher quality music and artists since the songs are original... but then we should remember that they're being written for a televised contest that celebrates the cheesiest, most accessible, pop-radio readiest music ever.

Europeans all know, and I've learned, that the biggest joke of Eurovision is that the musical acts are usually chosen more for their appearances than their talent. As is to be expected, this results in the whole thing looking and sounding like bad wedding karaoke. The women are all hot, and most of them can't sing at all. The men all fall into very specific "types," all of which are Hollywood-approved; even the pudgy guys have a Seth Rogen appeal. Women get to dance while men get to play instruments. And everyone sounds like either Celine Dion or a Backstreet Boy.

Today was only the first semi-final, but I'm blogging it because, since I'm actually in the US visiting right now, there's no guarantee I'll see the rest of it. This may be the first of only two or three Eurovision 2011 posts, or it may be the only one. Either way, it's going to be a horrible journey.

Because I love you all, and because so much of Eurovision's horror lies in its visuals, I took screencaps of the event. However, I was watching the livestream of it online, and my connection sucked, so the caps are extremely low quality. Count that as a blessing. (EDIT! To make up for the crappy stills, I've waited until the videos of each performance went up on YouTube so I could link them. Now you may share in my pain.)

Clickety click for shiny sequinned horrors.

Eurovision for Americans: A Fairly Concise Guide

I've been ill and distracted by some personal matters lately, but Eurovision still got my love and attention this year. It's weird trying to explain Eurovision to people back home. Our closest analog is American Idol, but that really isn't a good comparison, because Idol lacks a great deal of the elements that make Eurovision a worthy spectacle.

Before doing my yearly write-up, I'm going to try to explain it for my readers who aren't familiar with it or who remain unconvinced of its glory. A previous Eurovision post just got moved back to the top of my blog, so if you want a refresher, it's nearby.

- Every year, countries within the European Broadcasting Union select a musical act to represent them at an expensive multinational competition. This competition is Eurovision, and it's more exciting than a royal wedding -- or should be.

- Most countries have to compete in a semi-final to get a place in the final. The countries that foot part of the bill, however, have guaranteed spots.

- Because the winner of the previous year's competition hosts the next one and the competition is hugely expensive, there is speculation that countries in economic crisis intentionally send acts that can't possibly win.

- Musical acts are not chosen for their quality. In fact, a popular method of choosing a Eurovision representative is just to pick a hot girl who can't sing to save her life. It makes for a good laugh during the competition.

- Musical acts range from hokey novelties to dead-serious ballads. Most songs are simple pop shlock that reference love in vague generalities. Since a great deal of the songs are in English (they were once required to be), singers often mispronounce words and lyrics are pretty awkward. Sometimes the lyrics just seem like random lines. It's okay. It's Eurovision. Bad lyrics are par for the course. It's just supposed to be catchy.

- Music comes second to spectacle. Costume changes, light shows, and completely unnecessary dancers all take precedence over the songs themselves.

- Some people treat Eurovision as Very Serious Business, but a great deal of its viewers and fans enjoy it for being a trainwreck that unites countries in a shared sense of "what the hell?" and shame. In the US, people who don't like pop music typically avoid all representations of it; in Europe, it seems like [i]everyone[/i] watches Eurovision. A lot of people just use it as an excuse to have a party.

- Since Europe doesn't have the same stigma against listening to pop as a lot of the US does, it's perfectly okay to think a song from Eurovision is actually kind of decent. Even if you go into Eurovision ironically, you'll inevitably begin liking one or two of the songs. This, too, is okay.

- England has a history of sending lackluster acts. It's become a running joke. England is just happy to not place last. (England isn't doing it for fear of having to pay for it, though, as they're one of the guaranteed sponsors every year. The English just pride themselves on their own shame like a bunch of cultural masochists.)

- Voting is not based on a song's quality. You can't vote for your own country, so countries vote by blocs -- basically, you vote for your neighbor. This means that really shitty songs can place very high while potentially decent songs place low. It's all based upon which bloc a country is in. England's awkward relationship with the continent combined with its habit of not going overboard on the sequins generally ensures that they always hover near the bottom.

This graphic (not made by me; I have no idea who to credit for it) hilariously explains how the voting works:

(Click for big)

- There is probably some kind of organized crime involvement in Eurovision voting. I'm not kidding. Major bucks get poured into betting on Eurovision results. 

That about covers it. On one hand, I wish the US could participate. On the other, I know we'd take it too damn seriously, send some idiot singing a pseudo-country song, and take our ball and go home when we lose horribly for missing the point. 

It doesn't mean America shouldn't appreciate Eurovision, though. So far I've not been able to convince my American friends of the contest's brilliance, but I'm working on it.